Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
