Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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