A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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