Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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