my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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