How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
