i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
