I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
