Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
