gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
