apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
