I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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