dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
