Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I've blown a few things in my day
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
