Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
