So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
