rhymes with "ouble enetration"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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