They should really pass out barf bags in church
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
