It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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