nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
