No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
