I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
