Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
