I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
