I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
