No awkward lesbian experiences without me
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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