I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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