watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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