Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
