So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Randomize
