Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
