I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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