i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
