Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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