Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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