Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
