i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
