Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
