Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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