Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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