Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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