Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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