Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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