I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
