Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
it glows. i had to have it.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We have so much sex to catch up on
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
