I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
