just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
