Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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