Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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