Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
