I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
