I just saw a hot homeless man
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
