So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
