So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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